


Love, Cyrus (Love, Simon AU)

by Zekroudon



Category: Andi Mack (TV), Love Simon (2018)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Inspired by Love Simon, Love Simon AU, M/M, My First Fanfic, Self-Doubt, T. J. Kippen & Amber Are Siblings, email pen pals, oblivious boys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2020-07-11 20:14:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19933849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zekroudon/pseuds/Zekroudon
Summary: Cyrus is trying to get over TJ and he finds a post on the school's Tumblr. The author left his email address so Cyrus writes to him, unsure of what will happen. Kira finds the emails and blackmails Cyrus to get back on the basketball team.aka : two oblivious boys that can't talk to each other open up to the other over email unaware that they're writting to each other**On hold indefinitely





	1. First Contact

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry if it's a little messy, it's my first fic that I've written and English is not my first language. I love Love, Simon (and the books) and I wanted to write something for Tyrus week on Tumblr. Representation is really important and I would have loved to have a show like Andi Mack when I was little. Cyrus reminds me a lot of myself.

**Chapter 1: First Contact**

To: _tealjupiter34@gmail.com_  
From: _chocolatechocolatechipmuffin@gmail.com_  
Subject: _I saw your post on Jefferson’s secrets_  
_Tuesday, September_ 11 _, 2018, 20:16_

_Hey,_

  
_Or hi? I don’t really know? I don’t want to be too formal and scare you or anything. Sorry for rambling…_

  
_I saw your post on Jefferson’s secrets and it intrigued me? I’m not really sure, but part of your message was calling to me._

  
_I’m just like you. I have four parents that love me dearly and wonderful friends with whom I spend most of my time. We do so stuff so crazy together, you can’t even imagine. And there’s a part of me that I’m afraid to reveal to the world. I’m gay. Deep inside, I know my family and friends would be fine with it._

  
_I don’t know if you want to chat or anything, but I guess so since you left your email address?_

_I guess that we could use made-up names to keep our real identity secret?_

  
_You can call me Muffin._

_Muffin_

I wait a few seconds before pressing on the send button, or is it minutes? What if he doesn’t respond? What if he thinks that I’m weird? What if it’s not even a he? What if he’s baiting me to reveal who I am to bully me? My head is filling up with what-ifs and horrible scenarios. Gathering as much courage as I can, I hit send and shut my laptop. I let go of the air I kept imprisoned inside my lungs. I lay on my bed trying to calm myself. Maybe he’ll get my head of TJ. I thought that we were close. My crush on Jonah disappeared, but my love for TJ keeps getting stronger and I can’t help it. Why do I keep falling for straight boys?

I shriek a little when my phone starts ringing. I look at the screen to see who’s calling. It’s Buffy. I answer even though I would have liked a little more time to think about what I just did, but maybe a little distraction could be good. I try to hide the anxiety in my voice as much as possible.

"Hey, Buffy!

  
\- Hey, Cyrus…

  
\- You sound exhausted? Did something happen?

  
\- Oh, something happened indeed and I need you to reassure me that I’ve made the right decision…

  
\- Decision about what?

  
\- You remember that I asked Kira to help the basketball team since I thought we were hopeless. But she was so mean Cyrus! She reminded me of how I was last year with the basketball team or the race team! I realized I made a mistake and tried to talk to her, but she said that I was rude! I followed what you suggested and I tried being nice, but she wouldn’t listen. Argh!

  
\- So… What did you do? And how could I forget her? She st… keeps hanging with TJ, of course, I remember her. ( I nearly said stole TJ, but that would be a little too much)

  
\- Well, I kicked her out from the team. She was mad Cy. So mad, she kept shouting at me. I feared that she was going to punch me.

  
\- Buffy, you made the right decision. She’s not the kind of person you want on the team. You did nothing wrong.

  
\- I know Cy, and I’m sorry that TJ hasn’t realized that yet.

  
\- Yeah…

  
\- Since he’s a guy, it will take him longer to see that. But don’t worry, he’ll come back to you.

  
\- Thanks, Buffy, but… what if he doesn’t? What if …

  
\- CY! He’ll come back. You are a wonderful person that everyone would want in their lives, of course, he’ll come back to you.

  
\- Thanks… Oh sorry, my mom’s calling me downstairs, see you tomorrow!

  
\- Tomorrow! Don’t forget that you’re amazing!

  
-Thanks! Bye!

  
\- Bye!"

I feel bad for lying to her, but talking about TJ, or even just thinking about him rips my heart apart. Even if she knows that I liked Jonah, I never told her I like TJ in that way. He bailed on me for costume day and keeps hanging out with Kira, even though she clearly hates me, like if I’m in the way or something. Maybe I am? If I’m that amazing, why would he abandon me?

  
I fall asleep on a pillow wet of my tears.

  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Were all sitting at our regular table at The Spoon waiting for our orders, but I’m not there, well, not mentally. I keep thinking about the email I sent yesterday. I haven’t received anything yet. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk. Maybe he’s just busy with school. We got quite a few exams coming and some people are stressed. I didn’t tell my friends about it. They would make fun of me. "Cyrus, no one talks via email these days, except for old people" or something of the kind.

"Cy-guy! Is anything wrong?"

  
I look up from my phone. Everyone at our table is looking at me. Jonah was the one who talked.

"You seem… weird, says Andi.

  
-I’m always weird.

  
\- Well, weirder. Is something bothering you, asks Jonah.

  
\- No, not really, but thanks for caring."

I put on my best fake smile to take them off my back. It seems to work for Andi and Jonah, but Buffy doesn’t seem convinced.

  
My phones vibrate and I check the notifications. He answered… He replied to me. I can’t look at it here, what if someone reads over my shoulder.

  
I get up and head towards the exit. I make up some lie about my mom needing help with something.

  
I open the door and TJ’s looking at me from the other side like a deer with headlights. We’re both shocked. We didn’t really see each other alone since the day of the trial and the golf carts. A magical day. Sometimes, I’m not even sure if I haven’t just dreamed it or it really happened. The day after, it was like nothing had ever happened and he was back with Kira. I was back in my loneliness. Andi has Jonah, Bex, Bowie, tons of people who are there for her. Buffy has Marty and the Spikes. I had TJ, but now he’s gone. Buffy and Andi are there, but they can’t really understand some things. Sometimes, I felt like he understood everything, without even saying anything.

"Hey, he says.

  
\- Hey.

  
\- Um… are you… are you avoiding me, again?

  
\- You’re always with Kira…

  
\- So, I already told you that you can come to hang out with us.

  
\- TJ, I’m sorry, but I can’t. She hates me. I see it in her eyes.

  
\- What? How could someone hate you? (His shocked face is quite cute)

  
\- I don’t know, ask her."

I turn left and leave him there. I hold back my anger and sadness which is easier when I start to remember about the email. I nearly run home, excitement taking over as I forget about my encounter with the guy who’s breaking my heart.

  
I open the door home and go straight to my bedroom… or as straight as I can. I throw myself on my bed and open my laptop directly to Gmail.

To: _chocolatechocolatechipmuffin@gmail.com_  
From: _tealjupiter34@gmail.com_  
_Subject:_ re: _I saw your post on Jefferson’s secrets_  
_Wednesday,_ September 12 _, 2018, 12:08_

_Hey,_

  
_Don’t worry_ about _rambling, I’ll probably do too._

_It feels nice knowing that there’s someone else going through similar stuff than you. It’s so hard sometimes. You feel like you’re alone in a sea of straight people and you’re the only fish that’s different._

_The worst thing has to be falling for a straight guy. It’s so hard because your heart wants to, but your brain knows it will never work out. That he will never be yours._

_Why isn’t there a book on how to be gay? How to not get your heart ripped in half because of a straight crush._

  
_I guess that you can call me Teal or Jupiter, but I’d prefer Teal, I’m in no way a god, far from it._

_Teal_


	2. Chapter 2: Falling for him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cyrus falls more and more for his email penpal. He realizes his crush on TJ is starting to disappear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if some mistakes slipped in, it's late and I didn't have much time to proofread.
> 
> Thanks for leaving kudos and comments, it means the world to me!

_To : tealjupiter34@gmail.com_

_From : chocolatechocolatechipmuffin@gmail.com_

_Subject : Costume ideas?_

_Thursday, October 25 2018, 19:44_

****

_Hey,_

_I really get what you’re saying about exams. They’re so stressful for nothing. Even students who have good grades are scared of exams. Maybe they should rethink the school system. I feel like I’m hearing my friend ranting again._

_It’s funny how everyone talks about how boys fall in love with girls and vice-versa, but no one really talks about boys falling for boys or girls for girls. It makes me feel even weirder and different, am I just an error, a mistake? I guess if there was more talk about the other ones than heterosexuality maybe there would be so much hate towards us?_

_Halloween is coming up, will you dress up? I’m not sure yet of what costume I’ll wear, but probably something lame like a zombie or a dinosaur. Probably a zombie for lack of time and budget._

_P.S. I’m sending you Oreos with the orange frosting in the middle since I know they are your favorites._

_Muffin_

_To : chocolatechocolatechipmuffin@gmail.com_

_From : tealjupiter34@gmail.com_

_Subject : re: Costume ideas?_

_Thursday, October 25 2018, 20:08_

****

_Hey,_

_Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think that we can stop saying ''Hey,'' in every email, we have been emailing for over a month now._

_Thank you for the Oreos, they were delicious. I’m sending you a pumpkin muffin to keep the theme of Halloween. Hope you’ll like it. My sister usually bakes them, since I burnt them last time I tried. I could send you the recipe if ever you want to try it out._

_I think so, but people make so many jokes and so many assumptions sometimes, that I only want the ground to swallow me whole to end my suffering. Would they still do those jokes if they knew we are gay?_

_I just realized that it’s the first time I told someone I’m gay. You make me open up and it’s scary sometimes. My sister would say that it’s good that I’m talking to you._

_I don’t know if I’ll dress up. The last time I tried, I messed up really hard and I want to save myself for suffering even more. I used to like Halloween, to be someone else for a day, have tons of candy, it was amazing. I guess I grew out of it._

_You’re not lame. You’re never lame. We may not have known each other for long, but I know that you are not lame Muffin, you are an amazing person. You’d be a perfect dinosaur or a perfect zombie._

_Teal_

_To : tealjupiter34@gmail.com_

_From : chocolatechocolatechipmuffin@gmail.com_

_Subject : re: Costume ideas?_

_Thursday, October 25 2018, 20:27_

****

_You’re amazing and perfect too! Don’t forget that!_

_P.S. I’d like that recipe_

_Muffin_

He said that I’m amazing! He said that whatever costume I would do, I’d be perfect! It feels good, being told that. I can’t erase the smile on my face and I don’t want to. I know Buffy and Andi keep telling me that, but it’s nice when another boy tells you that… wait was that… flirting? _Is a boy flirting with me_? They could help me figure this out, but I haven’t told them yet. I don’t really want to anyway. They’ll make fun of me or say I watched too many movies.

Sometimes I wonder what his real name is. We explicitly decided to keep our real identities secret, but I can’t help but wonder. What does he look like? How does his laugh sounds? I try to imagine his soft voice whispering in my ear. If we knew our real names, would we really be talking to each other? I can’t help myself but overthink everything, and that’s something I’m really good at.

I put my notebooks on my desk and prepare to go to bed. _He said I’m amazing!_

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does nothing go right with me? In my hurry to get to school, and still thinking about what Teal said, I forgot my phone on my desk at home. Andi and Buffy try to cheer me up, but it doesn’t really work. They’d never understand. What if Teal emails me and I don’t answer immediately? He’ll surely think that I’m ignoring him.

"Cyrus, you just forgot your phone, it will be alright, old people used to live without their phones. Cece always forgets hers, or she forgets to turn it on, says Andi.

-If your parents want to talk to you, they’ll call us or the school, adds Buffy."

Not Teal, we never call each other.

"Yeah, but…

-Cyrus, stop worrying about it, we’re not even at lunch yet. Have you finished your math homework? It was kind of hard, asks Buffy.

\- I wonder if everyone will have done it, I barely made it through it all. Bex and Bowie were of no help.

\- I did it. My mom helped me. "

I didn’t really care about our homework. I rushed through it to write to him. Which could resume the last few weeks. He’s occupying more time and space in my head than I would like to admit.

During math class, I wander off thinking about which of my classmates could be Teal. Is it Gus? A guy on the basketball team? Are we even in the same year?

I’m brought back to Earth when Buffy hits me with her elbow. The teacher wants my answer. I turn to the page indicated on the board and answer his question. He must be satisfied since he doesn’t add anything.

Nothing noteworthy happens during the rest of the class until it gets to TJ’s turn to answer. If Andi, Buffy and I thought the homework was difficult, I can’t even think about how he felt. I suddenly feel bad for not helping him, even if he didn’t ask me to. I guess he could have asked Kira.

"TJ, I need your answer.

\- I don’t have one, blurts TJ.

\- You know, it’s not because you don’t understand a problem that you don’t have to do it.

\- I didn’t understand anything, it’s too hard anyway, shouts TJ."

He takes his stuff and leaves class as the bell rings. I haven’t seen him so angry since before the gun incident. Is he turning back to who he was before we met? Andi and Buffy look at me with a knowing look and point me to go talk to him. If someone could make him feel better, it’s probably me.

Since he was running, he’s probably already far away. I search the school for him and I finally find him a few minutes later near the library. He’s sitting on the ground and he’s writing to someone on his phone. I let myself fall next to him. I feel his anger, even though it seems to have diminished a little somehow.

"Hey, I start, unsure of what I should say.

\- Hey.

\- How are you doing?

He turns to look at me. He’s not smiling. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

\- Cy, you were there, you know what happened.

\- I know, and I’m sorry.

\- Sorry for what?

\- Sorry for not helping you, sorry for not being there for you.

\- You don’t have to feel sorry for that, Underdog, I should have asked your help. And I shouldn’t have shouted at our teacher.

I start to see his face brighten. It’s working.

\- If ever you need help, I’ll be happy to help. I… I miss hanging out with you, Not-so-scary-basketball-guy.

\- I missed you too."

For a few seconds, I start to wonder if he’s really happy with Kira, but I don’t want to make him choose between me and her.

"Hey, guys!"

Speaking of the wolf. Kira is approaching. She’s always there at the wrong time, but if TJ likes to hang out with her, I won’t stop him. It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to, seeing them together. I was probably deluding myself anyway and I found Teal. I feel like my crush on TJ changed, like how it was with Jonah. I may be falling for my cute gay pen pal after all.

I stand up as she stands in front of us. I wave them goodbye and smile at TJ. He shoots me a small smile and I enter the library to escape from her claws. The computers catch my attention as someone is leaving one. I could go check if Teal wrote to me. It wouldn’t take long and I don’t see why I couldn’t. I log into Gmail. The little notification of a new email makes my heart race.

_To : chocolatechocolatechipmuffin@gmail.com_

_From : tealjupiter34@gmail.com_

_Subject : re: Costume ideas?_

_Friday, October 26 2018, 12:14_

****

_Thanks, I think I really needed you to remind me that. I won’t give too many details, but I’m having a really horrible day. I’m glad that I know that you understand me._

_I’m sorry I lied about my costume. I’ll be costumed for Halloween, it’s just I’m not ready for you to know who I am. The costumes would just be an obvious clue. I’m sorry._

_What do you do when you feel like garbage?_

_Teal_

Without even thinking, I start writing him back.

_To : tealjupiter34@gmail.com_

_From : chocolatechocolatechipmuffin@gmail.com_

_Subject : re: Costume ideas?_

_Friday, October 26 2018, 12: 30_

****

_You’re amazing and perfect too! Don’t forget that! (I want to remind you that you’re amazing even if you don’t feel like it). Actually, I may have a quote that would help you:_ _"_ _You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think._ _"_ _It’s actually from Winnie the Pooh. If I could hug you via email, I totally would. You sound like you need it._

_M parents would say that you have to talk to someone about how you feel. Do you have any friends you could talk to? If not, I’m always here for you._

_Don’t be sorry for not being ready. You should come out when you’re ready and don’t let anyone take that away from you._

_I don’t know how to write this, and I’ve tried many times (one of the many advantages of emails and texting, you can revise what you’re going to say before sending). I really like emailing with you. I feel like even though we don’t know our names, we know so much about each other. We understand each other like others can’t and it’s pretty special._

_Muffin_

I hit send. Is it too much? Am I too obvious?

"What are you doing Cyrus? We’ve been looking for you for ages!"

I let out a small scream and instinctively close the screen of the computer. Buffy’s looking at me with big eyes. Oh. Half of the lunchtime already passed. I know she’s not mad at me, but I should have gone back to them when Kira arrived instead of going to the library.

I stand up and takes my stuff before following her to make up some excuse. In the corner of my eyes, I see Kira enter the library, but she’s not with TJ.

"Cyrus, don’t do that again, I thought TJ or Kira did something to you!

-How could he hurt me? Kira would, certainly, but not him. I just realized as she arrived that I wanted to check something.

\- He’s so smitten for you anyway…

\- What do you mean? 

\- Oh, nothing, let’s go eat lunch!"


	3. I messed up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kira used the computer after Cyrus left with Buffy. She threatens him about his emails with Teal.
> 
> TJ finds him and tries to help his friend feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if it's a little hard the stuff with Kira, so I included some cute stuff with TJ to compensate a little and give our Cyrus a little break.
> 
> Thanks again for kudos, they're really appreciated!

I messed up so bad.

I completely forgot that I didn’t log out of my Gmail account when Buffy found me, and out of anyone who could have used that computer after me, it had to be Kira. She’s standing in front of me, with that smug grin on her face. She managed to corner me before I left school. Buffy, Andi, Jonah, and even TJ are nowhere to be found. I could run, but she would easily catch up to me walking. Thanks again, weak and unathletic body of mine.

"So, our little Cyrus has a secret?

\- I don’t know what you mean, I answer defensively.

\- Oh, don’t lie to me, you know exactly what I mean. _You’re gay_. It explains so much actually. Why you lack any sort of manliness, that most of your friends are girls, why you want to hang out so much with TJ…

\- Stop it! Leave me alone or…

\- Or what, Driscoll will come to me? I’m not scared, you should be though.

\- Why? Nobody will believe you!

\- I think that you’re wrong about that."

She’s grinning so much, but not a nice smile, more like someone who wants to eat you up, or like a snake. I’m starting to sweat a lot, and I’m really scared. I haven’t been scared like that since I’ve been hanging out with TJ and Buffy. They make me feel safer I guess. She puts her hand in her pocket and takes out her phone. She turns it to me like she won something. I realize with horror what are the pictures she’s showing me; she screenshotted my emails with Teal. Everything around me starts to fall uncontrollably. I try to keep my calm to not have a panic attack in front of her to add to her satisfaction.

"Tell anyone and I’ll show these to everyone. I’ll put them on the school’s Tumblr. Everyone will know that you like dudes and they’ll be disgusted. I can already TJ’s disgust learning that you’ve fancied him when he was just trying to be nice to you. He’ll most likely hate you so much that he’ll never speak to you again.

\- Why do you do that! Coming out is my thing! Why do you want to tell everyone that I’m g… That I’m…

-Oh, I don’t want to do it, I just want to get back on the basketball team. The coach says I can’t be in the boys’ team since there’s a girl’s team now.

\- Buffy kicked you out. She won’t take you back. And I don’t understand what I have to do with all this…

\- Buffy hated TJ, and now they’re friends, I want you to do the same thing for me.

\- There was a nice person locked in TJ, you, you are just mean.

\- Argh! Think about it, she snaps"

I made her angry. Her face was red and she looked like she wanted to kill me on the spot. She turns around and leaves me there. She’s so mad that she’s nearly running.

I’m relieved that she’s gone, but I’m terrorized by the idea of being outed to the whole school. Would TJ really react like that? I haven’t been hanging out so much with him recently, but is he homophobic? Should I tell someone? Buffy would probably punch her square in the face, Andi would say to go to Metcalf’s office and I don’t know for Jonah. I can’t tell my parents, that would mean coming out to them and I’m not ready yet. But how can I make Buffy become friend with Kira? That’s nearly impossible. Plus, if she outs me, she outs Teal too. Maybe someone would be smarter than me and figure out who he is and bully him relentlessly. He doesn’t deserve that. He shouldn’t have to pay for my mistakes.

I hate myself so much for being so careless. If I had not gone to the library to write to him, I wouldn’t be stuck like that. My phone vibrates a little and I take it out of my pocket. I let myself drop on the grass and dead leaves. Better sit before falling for real because of a panic attack.

I got a new email from Teal.

_To : chocolatechocolatechipmuffin@gmail.com_

_From : tealjupiter34@gmail.com_

_Subject : re: Costume ideas?_

_Friday, October 26 2018, 16:35_

****

_Who would have thought that Winnie the Pooh would make me feel better?_

_You got it backward, I’m the one who should thank you. Thank you for believing in me and trusting me. I never expected anyone to write to me after I posted on Jefferson’s Secrets, and yet, you came to me. Most of my old friends won’t talk to me and my only close friend is avoiding me because I messed up so bad with him. I feel like I can tell you everything and anything and you don’t judge me for who I am. I’m glad that you like emailing me because I don’t know what would happen if you weren’t there for me anymore. What we have is very important to me too, I don’t want to lose it._

_Thank you, Muffin_

_Teal_

I immediately start typing my answer, somehow forgetting everything that just happened.

_To : tealjupiter34@gmail.com_

_From : chocolatechocolatechipmuffin@gmail.com_

_Subject : re: Costume ideas?_

_Friday, October 26 2018, 16:48_

****

_I’m really glad that you think that I’m important to you because I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t there either. I’ll always have my ears open for you, or rather my eyes, in our case._

_I’m pretty sure your friend would forgive you and I bet he misses you too. I feel bad for you that he’s avoiding you. Have you tried apologizing? It works most of the time._

_Love,_

_Muffin_

"Hey, whatcha doing?" I scream as I close my phone. Why does it keep happening to me! Why can’t I have a break? I look at the person who’s sitting next to me. It’s TJ and he seemingly appeared out of nowhere. His face is bright and I can’t help but smile a little. Then it hits me like a truck. Everything Kira said is brought back and I instinctively move away from him. Why is he always sitting so close to me? Why would he eliminate any sense of private space between us if he’s homophobic? She was probably lying, but still. He must have seen my reaction because he looks worried. His phone beeps indicating he received a message.

"Are you okay? You look scared… Did someone do something to you?"

He’s really concerned. I should tell him, but what if he’s mad at me that I used to like him more than a friend? Maybe I still do Kira doesn’t know that, does she?

"No, no. Nothing wrong. Just the usual, me worrying for nothing… Your phone rang, by the way.

\- Yeah, it’s my sister, she’s coming to pick me up. You can come with us if you want. What are you worrying about? I could try to help; I don’t like when you look like that.

\- I’m sorry… I can’t really tell you… But it’s nothing though, don’t worry…"

I feel so bad for lying to him, but I can’t bring myself to tell him. What if he tells Kira that I told him she’s blackmailing me? She’ll surely do what she threatened me to do…

He doesn’t look reassured, but a car stops near us and he stands up. He holds out his hand for me to grab. I take his hand and he lifts me off the ground. My face ends up in his chest and I feel the heat racing to my cheeks. I back off a little to not make him uncomfortable, but he puts his two arms around me and bring me closer for a hug, and not a bro hug. I must admit that it feels really nice being hugged by a boy. He’s warm and reassuring. It’s like nothing bad will happen as long as I’m close to him. It feels safe. I don’t want to go anywhere else, except maybe in Teal’s arms. Is he as strong and tall as TJ? Is he as comforting and reassuring as TJ? I Hug him back for a few seconds before he steps back a little. Did I make him uncomfortable? Was it too weird?

" I know that I’ve been spending a lot of time with Kira recently, but if ever you need to talk, or change your mind, I’ll be there for you, he says softly. I know that Buffy doesn’t like her, and to some extent you too, but I’ll send her away if you need me.

-Thank you, it’s really nice of you, but I don’t want to intrude.

-Cyrus, you won’t intrude on anything, I already told you, we’re not a couple. I don’t like her like that because… because I’m…"

A car stops next to us and the driver honks. It must be TJ’s sister.

"Oh, you should go, your sister is here.

\- Yeah… Do you want to come with us, we’ll drop you home, he asks hesitantly?

\- Uh, sure!"

We walk towards the car and I realize that the driver happens to be Amber. Amber and TJ are siblings? How did I not know that yet? I’ve been hanging out with both of them, and neither of them ever mentioned the other’s name. In fact, they barely talked about their brother/sister. TJ opens the back door and sits behind his sister. I take my bag off my shoulders and settles next to him.

"Hey, Cyrus! I didn’t expect to see you today!

\- Me neither, I didn’t even know you were siblings.

\- You know each other? How? You’re in high school, asks a confused TJ.

\- He’s friend with Jonah Beck, so of course, I know him. You talk about him so much anyway that I’m pretty sure even mom knows him too. "

TJ blushes so hard it’s kind of cute. We small talk for most of the ride and it was pretty nice. We talk about our days and I obviously keep the blackmail secret. She invites me to their home for dinner someday, since it seems their mother would like to meet me. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that TJ talks about me. I’m both honored and ill-at-ease at the same time. I know he doesn’t have that many friends anymore, but still. _He talks about me to his mom!_

But the monsters never let you go apparently. They need to let you know that they’re still there and won’t allow you to forget them. They reinsert the fear they cause you in your mind to better control you. To make you do what they want. What I’ll have to do if I don’t want everything to break apart.

Kira somehow got my number and texted me as the Kippen siblings dropped home.

"Don’t forget our agreement."


	4. First try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cyrus tries to include Kira during lunch. 
> 
> Teal and Muffin have a discussion about coming out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I don't really know where this is going for now. I should really plan ahead instead of just writing chapters one by one. I thought of just giving up on this, but nothing annoys me more than a chaptered fic that's never finished ( especially when you read it before realizing the last update was years ago).

_To: chocolatechocolatechipmuffin@gmail.com_

_From: tealjupiter34@gmail.com_

_Subject : re: best snacks debate_

_Monday, October 29, 2018, 7:03_

****

_I’m glad that you like Oreos because it would probably have been a huge deal-breaker for me. I usually carry some with me for snacks during the day. I don’t know for you, but I’m frequently in need of sugar. That’s probably what they call puberty and growth spurts._

_I never thought that talking about all this gay stuff would become easier. I always expected to be ashamed of that part of myself, but you changed my mind. I’m okay with those thoughts I have about boys, even though it can be really scary sometimes. I nearly came out to my best friend last week, but I chickened out. I was afraid of what he would think of me and I had to leave. Does coming out becomes easier with time or is it always that hard?_

_Love,_

_Teal_

_To: tealjupiter34@gmail.com_

_From: chocolatechocolatechipmuffin@gmail.com_

_Subject : re: best snacks debate_

_Monday, October 29, 2018, 7:36_

****

_I do like Oreos, but probably not to the same extent as you. They’re a nice snack, but I wouldn’t pick them over a muffin, sorry._

_I came out three times as of now, and it was different every time. The first one is the scariest since it’s the first person you tell. I think it depends on who you tell. Parents are definitely scary and friends can be easier (if you didn’t use to have a crush on them), but it really depends on the person, their opinions and how much you care about them._

_Love,_

_Muffin_

_To: chocolatechocolatechipmuffin@gmail.com_

_From: tealjupiter34@gmail.com_

_Subject : re: best snacks debate_

_Monday, October 29, 2018, 8:02_

****

_I know, I know, the class is about to start, no need to scold me._

_Straight people really should have to come out too. They should go through the same embarrassment and anxiety-filled steps of telling your parents and friends that you like girls, boys, etc. Why is straight the default?_

_You had a crush on one of your friends? I’m curious…_

_Love,_

_Teal_

I can’t help but smile a little. The thought of everyone having to come out, including heterosexuals, never crossed my mind. I imagine a kid having to admit to his parents that he likes girls, and they’re devastated because they wanted him to be gay. It would be fairer, but when was the world fair anyway?

It was never and the universe is reminding me by having Kira sitting at our table for lunch today. "Because she needs help with her math homework." The others seem very suspicious and really uncomfortable with the situation. We’re actually texting each other under the table when she’s not looking.

Buffy: CYRUS!

Buffy: WHY THE HELL IS SHE HERE? I DON’T BELIEVE ANY WORD SHE SAYS

Cyrus: Calm down, she just asked for help.

Andi: Is TJ coming too?

Cyrus: I didn’t think about that.

Buffy: Sure

Andi: Of course, you didn’t.

I put back my phone before having to deal with them asking if I said yes only to spend time with TJ, indirectly. It could be a realistic lie to tell them why I want her to hang out with us, but still. If I told them the truth, they would be so mad at me. At her. At me for not telling them sooner. At her, for well, everything.

Speaking of him, he gets to our table, completely confused about why she’s sitting with us. He must think that it’s not a big deal since he sits down in front of me since I’m between Kira and Buffy: the best place in the world. Andi and Buffy shoot me not-so-discreet knowing looks when TJ tends his muffin to me. He lacks his usual confidence which could be a result of everyone’s presence, and not only Kira’s.

"Here, it was the last one… I thought you would want it.

\- Oh, Thanks TJ… you shouldn’t have."

Really, he shouldn’t have. Kira is only getting more munitions to fire at me. I’m surprised when I look at her since she doesn’t look like she’s noting this in some kind of mental notebook to use against me. Instead, she turns to the rest of the table to try to make small talk. Maybe she isn’t as mean as we make her be, maybe there is actually a nice person inside… Wait, no, she’s not like TJ. He never blackmailed me, and wouldn’t have blackmailed anyone. She’s mean, I have to remember that.

"So, are any of you going to the party Friday night for Halloween, she asks with genuine interest, or so it seems.

\- We were thinking about it. We’re not sure yet though, answers coldly Buffy.

\- I’m sure it’s going to be fun. Everyone will be costumed and we’ll be able to dance to some good music for once. We’ll be there, right TJ, we even have our costume ready, she replies as she turns to face him.

\- Oh… Yeah? Yeah, we are. You should come too, the more the merrier, he says looking at me sheepishly. "

I don’t really know how to answer. Sure, Andi and Bex’s party was great, but I never went to a "regular" party. Part of me can’t help but wonder if Teal is going to go too? I could ask him, but even if he goes, it doesn’t change the fact that I have no idea of who he is or what he looks like. And if we go, it could be an opportunity to try and bring Kira and Buffy closer.

The other part of me is still hurt about costume day and TJ bailing on his idea with me. Even if we made up since, the pain is still fresh on my heart. I know that I was deluding myself because TJ’s straight as an arrow, but I don’t want to see anymore Kira and TJ couple costumes. Then, there’s the car ride with him and his sister the other day, and the golf cart ride. I know he has layers, but sometimes, I wish I could understand more clearly his intentions. Do guy friends really act like that when they’re together? Jonah wasn’t really like that. He’s genuinely nice to everyone he sees, does bro stuff but he doesn’t put his hand on my shoulder so much.

I realize that they’ve all been waiting for my answer and they’re all looking at me.

"oh, um… Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts… We could go, I plead, hesitantly looking at the rest of the Good Hair Crew.

-I guess it could be fun, casually answers Jonah. Amber will probably want to go too.

\- I think Marty will surely be there too, adds Andi looking at Buffy raising her eyebrows.

\- Yeah, he’ll be there, I’m pretty sure of that. He’s Marty from the Party, after all, replies Buffy.

\- Great! We’ll all be there! It’s going to be so much fun, exclaims Kira who then turns to me and adds, see? I told you we could get along after all!"

She then tries to start a discussion on basketball with Buffy, but it’s pretty one-sided.

I don’t know what I look like on the outside, but inside, I want to disappear and go as far away from here as possible. Did she have to add that? Why am I messing with my friends?

Teal.

I do it for him. We get each other and we talk about so many things. If Kira shows the screenshots, I’ll be outed, and him too. I can’t do that to him, I just hope that my friends will understand that.

The bell rings and we all get up to get to our classes. TJ runs to me and he looks happy somehow, like if all the awkward mess that was lunchtime didn’t happen. He can be really oblivious sometimes.

"That was nice, I didn’t think Buffy and Kira could get along. Thank you for giving her a chance.

\- Yeah, no need to thank me though. I need to get to class or I’ll be late, so should you, I answer more rudely than I should.

\- See you around then…"

He sounded hurt, and I feel bad for that. I shouldn’t be rude to him, it’s not his fault that she’s blackmailing me. But I’m done feeling hurt every time I get my hopes up and he blows everything up. I’m falling in love with Teal, and I know that with him, it’s reciprocal for once. We love each other. I may not know his name or what he looks like yet, but I know he won’t break my heart.

Well, I hope so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may take a bit more time before the next updates since I'll start university soon and I want to plan things ahead, but I'll continue this story for sure.


	5. Author's note

I had planned the rest of this fic (it was around 20ish chapters), but I lost interest in it since I'm not really in the fandom anymore. I may come back to it in the future, but I wouldn't count on it. 

I'm really sorry if anyone was hoping I would continue. I'm not usually one to give up on things I start, but I think I have to do it for myself and I know the following chapters wouldn't be as good if I have to force myself to write them.I'm trying to focus more on taking care of myself in the time being since things aren't so great in my personnal life.

Thanks for reading what little of my fic I have written.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry that the email addresses aren't more sophisticated, but I had no idea except that I wanted TJ's to have both letters in it and Cyrus's to be about muffins.
> 
> They are really oblivious, but I probably am too.


End file.
